Thinking of taking your relationship to the next level is huge! But with this step there is a lot to think about and many questions you should consider beforehand. In this post we explore five important questions to discuss with your partner before marriage.
- How do you deal with stress or disappointment?
- What are your short term and long term goals?
- What are your thoughts on having kids?
- How do you manage your finances?
- What are your deal breakers?
We will deep dive each of these questions at length in this post so buckle up and keep reading on to the first section.
1. How Do You Deal With Stress?
Knowing how your partner deals with stress or disappointment is an important factor to a healthy relationship. Stressful situations sometimes bring out the worst in a person so understanding what your partner’s stress behavior is gives you insight into how to be there or comfort them during stressful times. It also helps you to understand if these behaviors are ones that you are willing to live with for the long haul.
Stress affects everyone differently and there are actually subsets of people that thrive in high pressure stressful situations, but I believe it is safe to say that most people would rather not lead stressful lives if given the choice. According to a 2019 publication by the Mayo Clinic stress has the following potential effects on a person’s mood and behavior.
| Stress Effect On Mood | Stress Effect on Behavior |
| Anxiety | Overeating or under eating |
| Restlessness | Angry outbursts |
| Lack of motivation or focus | Drug or alcohol misuse |
| Feeling overwhelmed | Tobacco use |
| Irritability or anger | Social withdrawal |
| Sadness or depression | Exercising less often |
Stress is inevitable and something that every person and every couple will experience. Knowing the behaviors and moods of your mate early will greatly help in determining if you two were a “match made in heaven.”
If the behaviors or moods associated with stress are excessive then maybe your partner can seek professional help and have someone help them through difficult times and teach them coping mechanisms. All in all, learn this early as stressful times will come often throughout the life cycle of a relationship.
2. What are your Short and Long Term Goals
I believe that everyone no matter how young or old has goals. Knowing your partner’s goals will help you determine if they align with yours. You may even find that at the core their long term goals do not even include consideration for a spouse, or even consideration for what a spouse would need in collaboration with their goals.
You may even find that in certain circumstances your mate is content with their current life conditions and does not plan on any long term or short term growth. In some instances and levels in life this is acceptable, but in some circumstances this is an automatic deal breaker for a relationship.
The issue is that if you are diligently working to progress and grow being married to someone that is not of the same mindset has the potential to stunt your growth and hold you back.
Being in a relationship with someone with goals that do not align with their effort can also potentially be a deal breaker for many partners. What I mean here is that if your partner is simply stating goals that they are not putting any effort into achieving then this may be a warning sign that they ultimately do not actually plan on attaining that goal.
3. What Are Your Thoughts on Having Kids?
“Do you want kids” Is an important question and conversation to have. Experiences in life affect both the way that we answer the question as well as our view on raising children. That said, people do sometimes change their mind along the way but ensuring that your goals align here is chiefly important!
If you don’t want kids but your partner does or vice versa this could be a major deal breaker for one party or the other. This is a conversation that absolutely should not wait until after marriage due to the major implications this can cause on a relationship.
Another important related question is also “What options are you open to if we cannot have kids”. This is a question not often discussed before marriage, but like anything else having a simple conversation early will help shed light on your partner’s point of view.
I also recommend having this conversation early due to the fact that infertility is a stressful time and one that sometimes tears couples apart. Having an idea of what the options are and how each partner feels before experiencing the situation is beneficial for your relationship.
4. How Do you Manage Your Finances?
Managing money is an important part of any marriage. For this reason knowing how your partner handles their finances is important before you decide to jump the broom. This education does not always have to come from a sit down conversation with your girlfriend.
Finance is actually one that can be observed through monthly spending habits as well as general money management from week to week. In the event that you live together you will definitely understand how your partner manages household bills/money etc.
Though understanding spending habits and monthly money management is fairly straight forward, a deeper conversation is necessary for understanding past financial mistakes and/or successes that will impact the future. Things like your partner’s credit score and financial history are a bit deeper than what you are able to see on the surface and often come to light at the least favorable times.
Many people don’t take the time to understand their partner’s financial health until they want to make a large purchase. Typically this is after looking at houses for months before finally deciding to take the plunge or searching for your dream car only to be told that you need to work on a few items that came back in your credit check before the bank is ready to shell over the coins.
This may also mean accepting an astronomically high interest rate to get the items that you desire which dramatically increases your monthly payment.
Understanding your partner’s finances early will either give you warning signs to run for the hills, or give the both of you a sign that there are a few things that you need to work on early so that when you are ready to invest financially you are ready without any barriers.
5. What Are Your Deal Breakers?
Understanding your partner goes deeper than just knowing what makes them happy. You also need to know what makes them upset, specifically you need to know their deal breakers and they need to know yours. Deal breakers are those items that will not be tolerated and will garner an immediate and long term negative response in the relationship.
Many couples are able to navigate through and overcome many obstacles including items that were initially considered deal breakers, but there are also those couples that are not able to continue in a relationship after a major negative event has occurred.
No matter the case knowing your partner’s deal breakers as well as making yours known is important in setting the boundaries necessary to ensure that you each know where the other stands.
Trust and security are often the underlying focal points for these conversations and should always be considered when creating your deal breakers or thinking through those of your partner.